dreams

I have been thinking a lot about my dreams lately and where I want to go next (when I say lately, I mean the last year, or 10 years, of my life...). Ever since I met Fred, Michael, and Mr. Tom in Hawaii, I have felt this renewed dream to live in Europe.
When I was about 12, I watched Sabrina for the first time ever. It was the first time I really understood the whole "Harrison Ford is incredibly dreamy" thing, and it was also the first time that I became fascinated with Europe. My friend Katie Rowe and I would talk and dream about going to Paris one day and living there. I don't know that we ever really actually talked about what we would do once we were there, but we were definitely going to be incredibly sophisticated and well-educated and "enlightened" in ways that Americans just aren't...
I haven't even really thought about Sabrina in a very long time, but I was talking to Jen the other day, and I remembered what a huge impact that movie had on me (I literally probably could have recited every line of it). And I was trying to figure out what it was about it that I loved so much - the romance? the guy getting "saved" by a woman instead of the typical hollywood way where a prince shows up to save a princess? how hot she looked after she came back from europe compared to before she left? And I think what I figured out is that, at least looking back on it now (who really knows what I was thinking about then), is that I was so amazed, as a 12 year old, that Europe had such an impact on Sabrina. There is this line that her mentor says to her in the movie that goes something like, "when i first came to paris, i sat in a cafe, i drank coffee, and i wrote nonsense in a journal. then after 6 months, no - a year, it was suddenly not nonsense anymore." (when i said that i could quote every line from the movie as a 12 year old, what i really meant was that i could quote every line as a 25 year old as well, apparently). I ALWAYS wanted to know what that nonsense was. Because, to me then, whatever was in those journals was it. and somehow paris and europe represented it. Now, as I think about what that it is, it is, i think, maturity and a sense of self. I think that is what I was looking for in 2008. To somehow figure out how to recognize all of the different parts of me that often seem to conflict so much (the me that is so nervous about people liking me with the me that has had moments where i am actually surprised when i walk into a room full of strangers and everyone doesn't fall in love with me within 5 minutes) and to accept each of those parts of me and be confident in myself.
I think, as I contemplate what to do in 2009 and as I go into the decision-making process knowing that I want to be somewhere for several years in a row, I needed to realize that my dream of europe really has absolutely very little to do with europe itself, and it has a lot more to do with this idea that i have had in my head for the last 13 years that once i get to europe and live there, i will really be able to discover who i am.
I think one of the big reasons that I am not living over in europe right at this moment is because i have a really deep rooted fear that i am going to get over there and end up still being this same being with so many different parts that i can't categorize or classify or even understand. that i won't come back as the new sophisticated brilliant me, but instead i'll come back with just as many questions about life and myself and one less big dream that i have been holding onto.
Ever since I realized the other day that I thought this, i wondered if it would motivate me more to get there, since i feel that i am recognizing just how deep rooted this fear is and just how silly it is (i mean - it is just a dream of a young adolescent). guess i'll find out in the next month...