Decisions Decisions Decisions

Part of the thing about my constantly-transient life is that I am always having to think, "What is the next big step?" (meaning lately, which country will I live in next?). Over the last week or so, as more and more people have started to ask me, "how long are you here? what are you doing next?" I have become overwhelmed with it all.
The same questions keep going round and round in my head: "Am I ready to think about potentially goign to a place for at least 2-5 years (instead of the 1-2 year limit I have placed on myself in my last several moves)? Do I want to really focus on a career? Do I want to go back to school? If I want to go back to school, what for? do I think I could be passionate about a career? I am the happiest now that I have been in years - why would I think about leaving the Netherlands if that is the case? Is my happiness here based on longterm things? Do I want to build a life somewhere with a community of people (assuming that the community will probably stay in one place)? How important is frisbee to me? How important is my boyfriend? Have I ever really lived in a place where hte people closest to me physically were also closest to me emotionally? What exactly am I looking for? Why am I the happiest now?
Round and round and round in my head.
The only answer that I now have is that I want to either be in Atlanta, San Francisco, or the Netherlands (preferably Utrecht). But all the other ones just keep going around in my head.

And then, this morning, I wrote my grandma a really short email with a very small explanation about why, when we were talking last night, I couldn't confirm that I am definitely coming back to the States for good at Christmas. And the answer was simple - that, no matter what I choose, it is a win-win-win choice. With the 3 choices in front of me, I am going to be happy no matter where I go. And a lot of the stress suddenly went out of the decision making process.

I realized that I haven't made this choice yet because I am not ready to make it. Because the things I want to focus on now are all in-the-moment things. Really enjoying the space I am in. Not fretting about what could potentially, maybe, if I imagine it in just a certain way, probably, or probably not come true. What i have told myself I want to learn about is how to enjoy today. And this decision doesn't play into that goal of learning about enjoying today. Even if I made the decision today, it would take a lot of joy out of my next 4 months in the netherlands, because I would already constantly be thinking about how my life will look in the next stage. these options are all future options. And some things that are really going to come into play when I do finally make this choice aren't really clear now.

So I am letting it go. I am not answering, or even allowing myself to think, about more than the next 4 months. I will buy a plane ticket back to Atlanta for Christmas (and it is quite lovely that it is actually cheaper to buy a round trip ticket than a one way ticket...). I will come home. and probably sometime in December (or who knows? maybe january?) I will just know what it is that i am doing next.
But now, today, I am not thinking about it anymore (except maybe to apply to some schools in all 3 cities. :) ). But other than that, I am focusing on now. On the Dutch that I need to be practicing. On the 2 little girls in the living room. On my bedroom that needs to be cleaned. On my blog that I need to finish about my vacation. On the dishes from my breakfast that I need to wash. on the bread I want to bake for this weekend. on the packing I need to do, since I am leaving for Germany in 6 hours (whoo whoo! new country!). that is enough to think and stress and worry about. no room in my head for 4 months from now...