Hans and I watched a pretty dreadful movie a few weeks ago entitled "He's Just Not That Into You" (my favorite part of the whole movie was watching the main female character constantly falling for men who she thought were into her - never once in the movie did she wonder if she was actually into any of these guys...). But, as even the crappiest message from the crappiest film can do, one little part of the film has stayed with me. The main male character (names have all been forgotten) says, "Women love drama. You love the thrill of 'will he call? will he not?,' the thrill of almost getting your phone cut off because you wait til the last second to pay the bill, etc."
I've known for a long time that I love drama. That I sometimes thrive on it. That I think being dramatic often adds more color to life and makes life more interesting. That a central part of my personality is my ability to dramatize situations. That I somehow can turn a mundane event into something absurd by being slightly, or more than slightly, dramatic.
But in the last few years, I have really wondered about this dramatic tendency. Sometimes I look around and everything around me seems so calm that I think it scares me into creating drama. Picking a fight. Suddenly focusing all of my energy on the very scary and very unknown future and imaging 47 different scenarios in which I don't end up with everything in life that I want. Stressing about my team and deciding that they all hate me and what I have changed about their team this season. Basically, creating worry and strife all around me and particularly within me.
There is of course the other drama I create. The absurd drama. The making situations funny that aren't normally funny. The laughing at myself and amusing myself and those around me. I really like that side of my personality. I like making people laugh. I like exaggerating the mundane to slightly poke fun at how absurd life is.
Both have probably developed out of a desire to entertain myself and others. Both are my way of asking for attention, something that I have long known I want a large amount of. But the negative attention-seeking, drama-loving habit really drains me and is a habit I want to break. The funny overly-dramatic storytelling me is part of me I would like to keep. But yet, in many ways, the two are the same. They developed from the same root. So how can one - the interesting, funny one thrive while the other side of it dies?
Habits are funny. They develop so slowly that usually we don't even notice we have formed a habit. Usually when we think of habits we want to break we tend to think of physical habits: drinking too much, stress eating, staying up too late, etc. "Personality habits" are slightly harder to see, but have similar trajectories. For me, being dramatic is not in and of itself a bad thing. Drama does add color to life, and I think I often brighten people's days with my drama. yet, I think it is just as dangerous for me as stress eating is to an obese person or having a glass of wine is to someone who struggles with alcohlism.
With most physical habits, discipline and structure are what helps someone overcome his/her habit (i think....could be wrong about this one...). But I think an alcoholic has to take the step to say, "No more alcohol for me. At all. Ever." and a stress eater has to say, "3-4 defined meals per day. No snacks. No exceptions." But how does it work with something like my drama habit? How do I keep the side of me that I love while at the same time relieving myself (and those around me) from the endless cycles I create when things are going well?
Is it also strictly discipline? Is it actually much easier than I want to admit (because, for me, sometimes admitting a problem is not the hardest step. Doing something about it always take a lot more for me...)? Where do I put that nervous restless energy when I start to feel things are too calm? How do I ask for more attention in a healthy way? And maybe another question - do I actually need that attention? And how do I identify when I do need it and when I am just bored? Where do I place my thoughts when they are swirling in a thousand different directions?
Thoughts?
Is it dramatic in a bad-habit way that I am writing this and then emailing some close friends asking for advice about it? Hmmm...
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3 comments:
hi friend. thanks for the invitation to comment and keep in touch.
as i see it, the lesson from your first paragraph ("never once in the movie did she wonder if she was actually into any of these guys") is that you ought to be listening to yourself more. literally sitting still and listening to yourself.
along those lines, something i'd recommend, and having to do with your new anti-drama campaign, is coming up with some personal projects and maybe creative arts hobbies.
you want to use your extra energy on something positive, you want some attention, and you want to direct your thoughts... maybe take up painting.
it might not come easily, the whole hobby thing. but that's probably a good thing. you'll get a challenge (dare i say feed your urge for competition) and feel satisfied over time about something you create and appreciate on your own.
It's funny to me that this conversation was in part re-ignited by that movie. It's an awful movie with unoriginal characters and no real message plus it wasn't funny, and I'm sad that I spent time watching it, even as an in-flight situation. But maybe we can attach some meaning and quality through this quasi-related discussion.
There's no question in my mind that you (or any of us) have the power to keep the parts of our personalities you like and minimize the parts you don't like. Even if they're linked in big ways. And I think that as long as you tell yourself it's possible, you've at least reframed the part about "can it be done?" to make it more like "how do I go about doing this?"
I think all your friends are super smart. Discipline is important, listening to yourself is important, and so is having an outlet for your energy so you don't feel like you're just holding it all, all the time, w/ no way out - could be a lot of things - fris, painting, writing, emailing your friends, blogging, baking, track workouts, beer, origami, getting into a diff sport, reading, whatevs.
Kate, you and I are pretty similar, but instead of saying that I love drama, I more of think of it as I love action...or activities...sounds, people. We seem to both love attention and thrive off the energy of others in the room.
I as well have similar issues with having drama in my life or in my case stresser friends that drain all the energy out of me. I basically reached a melting point where the combination of recent break up, tremendous work stress, moving back to SD, dealing with an ex that I knew I needed to make time for myself and re-focus my energy on things that make me the happiest.
One solution, although not the best, is the Friends Heirarchy rule and demote some friends who are just sucking too much energy from you. I've also come to realize that even though I'm surrounded by so many friends, I don't really know a lot of them very well. So, I've been spending time trying to get to know my friends lately which has been fun and interesting. It's a good way to still be social and not be drawning into any group drama. I also started a paint project in my condo with my roommate which has been epic (photos to be posted soon). Long bike rides with friends have been a great stress reliever too....as well as a good way to catch up with friends.
So, yes, it is a bit of discipline, but at the same time, my time spent painting with Dana and my long bike rides with Ginny and Peter has been some of the most rewarding events in the past few weeks...so I think the trick is to acknowledge that you want to change, and then identify ways to utilize all your energy into something rewarding...like researching on starting your own business (I'm doing that right now too)....oh and planning an epic 14000ft climb with Lauren next month and planning my visit to europe next april!
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