The Power Of Positive Thinking

How has it been almost a month since I last posted?
And, at the same time, was it only a month ago that Brynne was here? It seems like ages.

A few weeks ago Angela and I started a conversation about seeing the positive side of things in our lives. I think we both spend a lot of time being confused about life, wondering what we want out of life, and, most importantly, being frustrated with ourselves for not being the most self-aware, mature, loving, socially-conscious beings that we think we should have become at some point (maybe it isn't fair for me to say that for Angela, but it is definitely true for me!). For me, I think I somehow subconsciously think that, at some moment in life, preferably in the next 3 days, I will suddenly "figure everything out" and will get rid of all of my selfishness, insecurities, fears, and instead replace them with love, purposefulness, and a self-awareness that allows me to never actually experience fear or insecurity again. This is a realistic goal, right? :)

Even if it is not a realistic goal, one thing that I want to strive to do more of in the near (and distant) future is really work on appreciating life, the people around me, and my own experiences. I want to work on a positive outlook about my own life. I think a lot of times I really spend hours analyzing why I felt bad about something, why I responded negatively to something, why I didn't like something. However, if I respond positively to something, or behave in a loving manner towards someone, or just enjoy a day, I don't really stop and analyze what about it made me act that way or what about it made me happy. To me, this seems highly unhealthy. Why in the world would I spend hours focused on times in my life when I am negative, unhappy, or insecure, and only a little bit of time focused on when I am actually behaving as the person who I want to continue to grow into?

So here it comes: the Power of Positive Thinking. Capital Letters. At different points in my adult life, I have started to work towards trying to focus on the positives. And, as I have done in the past, I started this new goal by making a pact with Angela that I would tell her 3 good things that happened to me every day. That I would take 5 minutes out of every day to write down what I like about it. However, I think this is really only a starting place. I think in a lot of ways, my mentality has to shift slowly to more than 5 minutes per day. And I am not really sure how to do that. How do I keep nurturing the ability to think positively within myself?

I read this quote by merlin mann in an article recently that said, “Where you allow your attention to go ultimately says more about you as a human being than anything that you put in your mission statement. It’s an indisputable receipt for your existence."
So, yes, I have (and maybe always will) spent most of my attention on myself. So that in itself is something I don't love. :) But if i am going to do that, can I at least focus on the positive things about me? the things that are really great in my life?

About 2 weeks, I did something I hadn't done in almost 2 years - I looked at the job openings in the bay area on Idealist.com. They send me emails just about every day with job openings, and I always delete them. However, for whatever reason, I started looking at what is available. And it gave me this total new appreciation for where I am right now. The idea of sitting in an office for 40+ hours per week (even in a cool office with a great mission statement, like so many of the companies on idealist.com have) made me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. Two weeks of vacation per year??? Seriously? Right now I think I have already had at least 2.5, and I am starting a 4 week vacation in just a few weeks. And working all day? Ummmm...now I work a max of 5 hours per day, 4 days a week. That's pretty sweet. So why am I always complaining about my life? Sure, yes, it is not really awesome to get bitten on the job (yes - this did happen to me on Friday) or to feel like I have absolutely no control over people that I should be able to exert some control over.

But...there are moments like on Sunday, when my kids came and watched me play frisbee. They got to the field and all 3 of them immediately ran at me and jumped in my arms. Or moments like last Thursday, when I came downstairs to say goodnight right before going on a date with Erik (yes lily - i do have a boyfriend now). tessel (who is 4) checked me out and said, "Mooi, Kate! Mooi! Maar jouw voeten zullen heel koud zijn." "beautiful, kate! beautiful. but your feet will be so cold!" (i am not actually positive those are the correct dutch words, but something similar...). but it was so cute that she really was impressed, because normally she is not impressed with how i dress. and just adorable that she was so practical and wanted to make sure i knew how dumb it was to be wearing flipflops (which was true). Or even Tuesday when Hidde was at a party and Tessel was sleeping, and Friso only wanted to throw the frisbee for 2 hours. And so we did. And just chatted and hung out in the sun, while all my friends worked inside, stressing out.

Those are all really good things about my life now. And, as I continue to try to be the person that i envision myself turning into, those are the things I want to focus on. The really beautiful moments in life. The moments of connecting with other human beings. The moments, like on Saturday night at windmill after I did incredibly well in both the beer drinking/bike riding/stroopwaffle eating/dizzybat spinning/frogleap jumping/run race and mingle mingle, where i really just think i am maybe the most wonderful competitive person on earth. And the moments all weekend when primavera was so fired up to be playing together and being super competitive.

So now I am slowly learning to refocus my attention. To forget about the things in life that I can't control - when the weather is bad, when the kids are exhausted and grumpy, when i am insecure about insignificant things. instead to really think about all the good things going on in my life and feel really grateful that this is actually my life.