I have exactly 13 minutes before I need to head down the street to pick up the boys from school. So perfect time to start a serious blog post about the questions I have been having recently about the "significant relationship"- why we get into it, what we want out of it, how much of this is a result of cultural norms, etc.
I'm going to go ahead and preface this blogpost by saying that this doesn't really have a lot to do with the "significant relationship" that I am currently in. It's more a result of being in a significant relationship for the first time in a long time and so i am actually thinking more about the general "significant relationship" for the first time in a long time. The "you" in this blog is really just the average, relationship-seeking person (which, turns out, is most of us) coming out of western culture.
So to begin, in my mind, I think most "significant relationships" begin in similar ways. Although there are many circumstances when it doesn't go this way, for the most part, the "significant relationship"begins with 2 people who don't each other very well meeting, hitting it off, dating, and, usually fairly soon after going on a few casual dates, "going exclusive." Sometimes it happens that they have known of each other for a long time, or have been acquaintances for a long time, and sometimes they just happen to meet, but in most cases, "significant relationships" start with 2 people that don't know each other super well to begin with.
So you meet someone, you like this person, you connect with them, and suddenly they become your "significant other." I am still not exactly sure what that means, but at the most basic level, i define it as you deciding with someone else you're going to intimately connect with each other in a way you don't with other people. so you take this person who you have just started to get to know, and you make him/her your "significant other" and suddenly, when it comes to prioritizing the people in your life, this guy/girl becomes your top priority. when you make plans, you consult him/her. when you go out, you keep the other person in mind, even when alone (ie. you probably aren't out there trying to find other people's phone numbers). you start calling this person every night instead of people you normally would have called. everyone's relationship is obviously a little different, but, no matter how you do it, you generally spend more and more time with your "significant other"as the relationship continues.
I'm going to go ahead and preface this blogpost by saying that this doesn't really have a lot to do with the "significant relationship" that I am currently in. It's more a result of being in a significant relationship for the first time in a long time and so i am actually thinking more about the general "significant relationship" for the first time in a long time. The "you" in this blog is really just the average, relationship-seeking person (which, turns out, is most of us) coming out of western culture.
So to begin, in my mind, I think most "significant relationships" begin in similar ways. Although there are many circumstances when it doesn't go this way, for the most part, the "significant relationship"begins with 2 people who don't each other very well meeting, hitting it off, dating, and, usually fairly soon after going on a few casual dates, "going exclusive." Sometimes it happens that they have known of each other for a long time, or have been acquaintances for a long time, and sometimes they just happen to meet, but in most cases, "significant relationships" start with 2 people that don't know each other super well to begin with.
So you meet someone, you like this person, you connect with them, and suddenly they become your "significant other." I am still not exactly sure what that means, but at the most basic level, i define it as you deciding with someone else you're going to intimately connect with each other in a way you don't with other people. so you take this person who you have just started to get to know, and you make him/her your "significant other" and suddenly, when it comes to prioritizing the people in your life, this guy/girl becomes your top priority. when you make plans, you consult him/her. when you go out, you keep the other person in mind, even when alone (ie. you probably aren't out there trying to find other people's phone numbers). you start calling this person every night instead of people you normally would have called. everyone's relationship is obviously a little different, but, no matter how you do it, you generally spend more and more time with your "significant other"as the relationship continues.
(this is now 36 hours later, sitting on the couch next to my "significant other." yep lily - now he's all over the blog!)
usually within a matter of months, this person shoots up to be your number 1 priority. to me, this is so bizarre. this person who you barely know somehow becomes your number 1 priority? over family? over friends who you have known for half your life? how is that possible? and how long are you with this person before you begin to really feel like he/she knows you better than anyone else? (and then how long are you with this person before he/she actually does know you better than anyone else?)
maybe the most important question that i am searching for an answer to is: what are you looking for when you decide to have a "significant relationship"? I have had 2 different conversations this week about the natural progression of getting older and how that means you find someone and settle down. why is that? Is it something innate within humans? Is it just our culture that tells us that? either way, I feel that most people are out there looking for the "significant other" that will last a lifetime. is it the feeling of someone "knowing" you intimately? is it is even important to most humans to also feel like you know someone just as intimately? is it biological? that you're looking for someone to mate with so you can make babies?
the killer thing that really gets me about the "significant relationship" is that, in many ways, it is the most precarious of all relationships. with family, there is a tie of blood that draws you together through the most difficult of times. with friends, even major disagreements or completely different worldviews don't result in an end to the relationship. with the "significant relationship" a difference of worldview, a huge fight, even just a lack of communication can send it spiraling down and cause a breakup. and suddenly the "significant other" in your life is gone. rarely do "significant others" remain close once a breakup happens. and i think in all cases, the intimacy that you both wanted shifts dramatically (even if you remain good friends, you play a very different role in each other's lives).
but despite this, it is totally natural in our world for people to continue to search for a "significant other." in fact, i think most people would probably say that in their heart of hearts, once they get past the busyness of life and the desire to achieve at their job and the stress of keeping up with the joneses, that the connection with the "significant other" is one of, if not the top, most important thing in life. and that, to me, is the baffling thing. why is that? and why do you, when you find a "significant other" really work to be together forever? and often, in the case of marriage, promise to be together forever? can a "signficant relationship" be just as meaningful if there isn't a long term goal attached to it? and what happens to those who never have a longterm "significant other"? Are their lives not as meaningful as those who do?
I honestly am not sure where a lot of these questions have come from. This is now the 3rd time I am sitting down to work on this blogpost (something unusual for me, because usually i just whip 'em out and don't put a lot of forethought into them). And it is a subject I have returned to in my head many times over the course of my very beautiful weekend. And I think they are questions worth asking. I think it is a bit ironic that I seem to be asking them in an incredulous voice, since I am actually trying out this whole "significant relationship" thing. And if someone asked me why i am trying out, why i chose to make someone a major priority in my life before i knew him well, why i continue to try to think of him and do nice things for him, why i want to get to know him as he really is, and why i want to present the truest version of myself (whatever that means) to him, i am not sure i could really say in words why i do it. I think it is more than just my culture telling me it the "normal thing" for me to do. But beyond that, i am not totally sure. So far i am glad I am making the decision to try it out.
usually within a matter of months, this person shoots up to be your number 1 priority. to me, this is so bizarre. this person who you barely know somehow becomes your number 1 priority? over family? over friends who you have known for half your life? how is that possible? and how long are you with this person before you begin to really feel like he/she knows you better than anyone else? (and then how long are you with this person before he/she actually does know you better than anyone else?)
maybe the most important question that i am searching for an answer to is: what are you looking for when you decide to have a "significant relationship"? I have had 2 different conversations this week about the natural progression of getting older and how that means you find someone and settle down. why is that? Is it something innate within humans? Is it just our culture that tells us that? either way, I feel that most people are out there looking for the "significant other" that will last a lifetime. is it the feeling of someone "knowing" you intimately? is it is even important to most humans to also feel like you know someone just as intimately? is it biological? that you're looking for someone to mate with so you can make babies?
the killer thing that really gets me about the "significant relationship" is that, in many ways, it is the most precarious of all relationships. with family, there is a tie of blood that draws you together through the most difficult of times. with friends, even major disagreements or completely different worldviews don't result in an end to the relationship. with the "significant relationship" a difference of worldview, a huge fight, even just a lack of communication can send it spiraling down and cause a breakup. and suddenly the "significant other" in your life is gone. rarely do "significant others" remain close once a breakup happens. and i think in all cases, the intimacy that you both wanted shifts dramatically (even if you remain good friends, you play a very different role in each other's lives).
but despite this, it is totally natural in our world for people to continue to search for a "significant other." in fact, i think most people would probably say that in their heart of hearts, once they get past the busyness of life and the desire to achieve at their job and the stress of keeping up with the joneses, that the connection with the "significant other" is one of, if not the top, most important thing in life. and that, to me, is the baffling thing. why is that? and why do you, when you find a "significant other" really work to be together forever? and often, in the case of marriage, promise to be together forever? can a "signficant relationship" be just as meaningful if there isn't a long term goal attached to it? and what happens to those who never have a longterm "significant other"? Are their lives not as meaningful as those who do?
I honestly am not sure where a lot of these questions have come from. This is now the 3rd time I am sitting down to work on this blogpost (something unusual for me, because usually i just whip 'em out and don't put a lot of forethought into them). And it is a subject I have returned to in my head many times over the course of my very beautiful weekend. And I think they are questions worth asking. I think it is a bit ironic that I seem to be asking them in an incredulous voice, since I am actually trying out this whole "significant relationship" thing. And if someone asked me why i am trying out, why i chose to make someone a major priority in my life before i knew him well, why i continue to try to think of him and do nice things for him, why i want to get to know him as he really is, and why i want to present the truest version of myself (whatever that means) to him, i am not sure i could really say in words why i do it. I think it is more than just my culture telling me it the "normal thing" for me to do. But beyond that, i am not totally sure. So far i am glad I am making the decision to try it out.
3 comments:
I am glad you are trying it out again. I was surprised you didn't mention the companion thing or loneliness. In the past that has seemed to be something you have thought about. As far as the forever thing- trust and loyalty may be cultural but I doubt it. Look at other societies- past and present. Don't they have similar commitments? Heck, deer have it. Very interesting.
the reason ppl break up over seemingly small opinion differences that they'd tolerate in other friends is b/c they ARE searching for a much more meaningful and lasting thing. if you and i don't absolutely agree on how to raise a child, that's fine. we're not going to raise a child together. if we don't have the same views on abortion, that's fine too. we probably won't ever cross that bridge together. but if jon and i absolutely disagreed about abortion (eg if i got accidentally pregnant, he'd def want me to have one, and i def wouldn't want to), then it might be the end of the relationship...especially if we've only been dating for a couple of months.
A few points came across my mind as I read your post...I actually pulled up another session of your blog so I could review it as I post this comment
The first thing that came to mind is lust or maybe not as extreme as lust, but simply the desire to pleasure oneself. Being intoxicated never helps, but I have friends that are in serious relationships that start out with a booty call. Now whether these people were unconsciously seeking a significant relationship or not, sex and sharing intimacy plays a big part of why one might put priority in a significant person over family and friends.
I would also agree with In His Grip as to loneliness and the desire to have companionship plays a large role too. If you start analyzing all your friends and think about how many of them really really knows you, you'd be surprise how that number is really small. I would even say at this point that none of my childhood friends know me that well and of my friends in SD, maybe 1 or 2 I would say knows me well. So, although you and I may seem like we're not lonely in terms of shear number of friendships, sometimes I feel like none of my friends are meaningful and that is why you seek a significant relationship too.
I think I could go on and on here...how about we just have a SKYPE DATE to discuss yo!!!
miss you much!
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