And I'm moving back to the bay...i think

It turns out that habits are actually super hard to break. I wrote a month or so (maybe longer now) ago about my drama habit and my inability to control my own drama at certain times. I got a lot of great responses to that post (thank you to those who responded to me). I unfortunately have also realized this week that I have a potentially even more lethal habit that I would like to break - my habit of leaving all of my options open as long as possible (which actually ends up feeding my drama habit a LOT).

About 2 weeks I watched a ted.com film about happiness. Ted.com films are pretty awesome. 15-20 minutes of an expert talking about some interesting aspective of life. I've watched a lot of Ted films lately, mostly about happiness or success or peace. The link to the film is here: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html
The thing that really sortof amazed me about this talk was the idea of "synthetic happiness" and that our brains actually have a chemical in them that tells us that whatever choice we have made was actually the right choice for us. And that we become more and more happier with our choices if we know we are stuck with them.

I think logically, this doesn't wow me so much. I have often said in the last few months that, no matter what choice I make in life, it becomes the "right" choice for me. I can't imagine what my life would look like if I hadn't have made some pretty drastic life choices - starting to play ultimate, breaking off an engagement, moving to California, moving to the Netherlands, getting a degree in English, etc. All of my choices have made me the person I am (which, by the way, yesterday an American girl that lives here said to me, "You seem like a pretty calm girl to me." Haha! So apparently these choices have turned me into a nice "calm" version of myself). But I think this whole time I have sortof patted myself on the back and thought, "Yeah - look how well you have done with your decision making process. You're turning out great!" And it turns out that the chemical in my brain would ALSO be telling me that I had made the right choices if I had gotten married or stayed in the South or gotten a degree that actually puts you on a career path. Fascinating...

But, what is also fascinating is the part of the talk where Dan Gilbert talks about choices. And how we are happier with our choices if we know we can't go back on them. If they are fixed and set, and we know that that is the final outcome. So I really thought seriously for a good week and a half about that and about how miserable I have been in this entire decision making process. That really mostly I am at a point where I just want to know.

The week before last (when I watched this video) was also the week of Club Nationals. Arguably the hardest week for me of my year in the Netherlands as I watched updates and video clips and frantically refreshed my score reporter and 2 twitter websites to see how my old teams were doing. And as I watched Fury destroy in the finals (15-4 or something ridiculously good!) I really felt so left out in a very tangible way. I could sortof see the spot on the team that was where I was last year and where I felt like I belonged (yes - now I am falling back into that little drama habit...). 3 days after the UPA finals were over (and lots of chats with old furies and current Furies about how awesome it all was) I got a package in the mail from Furies. My very own jersey from this year plus a photo album and some cute loving notes. I felt like it was the Bay area reaching out to me and saying, "we love you Kate! You belong HERE!"

I also found out last week that my old roommate/teammate A1 has 2 empty rooms in her house in Oakland (in my favorite neighborhood in the Bay area). Her house with a garden (what I really want). And i was just like, "WHOOOOOAAAAA!! This is it." I also talked to several friends who knew of job opportunities in the bay. It really is too much when you think about it. I had totally ruled out the Bay, and then suddenly everything seemed to fall into my lap. All I have to do is reach out and take it.

So I made up my mind. Bay area - here I come! And I sat down on Friday night with Erik and told him. And his family. And then I met with other various friends over the weekend and told them. And it was so sad. Obviously, even though we both knew it was incredibly likely, telling Erik was the hardest. But I think it's a relief in some ways for us both to know. To not wonder if we are headed into a breakup or potential long term. To just know that it is over. And on Saturday I even felt good enough to stop being as sad about it and to start thinking about all the potential things that could happen in the Bay. Just a life that I want. Having a real job (I'm trying not to think about the absurdly little vacation time I'll get). Being with my team. Living with a friend again instead of with 3 whiney children. Playing GOOD frisbee! It's so exciting.

And then, on Sunday, I think I made a slight mistake and went and hung out with 3 different groups of friends during the day. 3 groups of friends that I have very different relationships with, but where each is fulfilling in it's own way. Top that by waking up in Erik's parents' house and feeling that sense of "family" that is so prevalent in that house. and then, as I was biking home at midnight last night, all I could think was, "But i have a community HERE!" It's already all here. Boyfriend who I am crazy about. a family who takes care of me (I do realize that if Erik and I were to break up, I would lose both of these big pluses). A team (a very different team, but a team...). Friends (this is probably the place where I feel like I have the best combo of good male and female friends. I am not sure if that is just because I am older now and feel like I value deeper relationships with both sexes more or what...). Plus all the pluses I have previously listed for staying in the Netherlands. And suddenly all i can think is, "am i making a choice I don't want to make? Am I running away from things here? Or am I really running back towards things I want in California?"

So then suddenly this morning I am on the phone with Erik. I'm crying. And I'm confused. And it's So freaking exhausting! For both of us, I think. It's easier to say, "yep - peace out. I'm outta here." Then we both know. It's easier because then we don't have to think about whether or not we want to keep being together. It's easier than spending the next 5 weeks having the same conversation that we have had for the last 3 months "what do i do? this is the pro. this is the con. this is so hard." You can only say those things so many times. I am sitting here now in the middle of this exhaustion, and I want to scream. Because I said, "yes - the bay!" It's what i said. It's what I should stick to. It's what makes me excited in so many millions of ways. But (and there is ALWAYS a but in this conversation) I am not sure that it has what i want more than other places. How do I absolutely convince myself that it is the bay? The only way is probably literally for erik and all of my friends here to say, "we don't want you!" as everyone in the bay is saying, "welcome home."

The thing is that I just want home. And I can create it for myself anywhere. And I've created it for myself in so many places. So why can't i really stick to my guns? What more do I really want to hear before I can say, "yep - defs the bay!" I mean - I've said for a while all I want is a house with a garden and friends. And it's getting handed to me. In my favorite neighborhood. What is my problem? And how can I stop myself from destroying the good times for the next 5 weeks because I am constantly thinking, "can i leave this?" And now I am back to being dramatic again. So much for the new improved, calm kate.