The longer I get into this post, the more I realize that my mom is the only one that will find it interesting...

I have been home for 48 hours. In that time, I have slept a 12-hour night, cried twice (both times before the 12 hour sleep), regretted getting back on the plane for the states, been grateful to be back in my own room, called Jen Smith at least 6 times (just bc I can), and felt just about every emotion between total calm and frenzied worry.
I just called Jen quite upset about I-am-not-sure-what, and she told me that i should immediately sit down and blog how I am feeling. So while I am making my 3rd cup of coffee for the morning, I thought I would write down some of my feelings.

I might have mentioned before that, while I intentionally like to THINK that I am not much of a planner or goal-setter, I often subconsciously decide something and start working towards it (even if I am not willing to admit this to others or to myself). At some point on my trip, I think that I might have decided to go ahead and start thinking about my future and what I wanted to do post-Europe. I think what has surprised me most (though in some ways not at all) is the realization that, while San Fran is my dream city on paper, I don't want to be here for very much longer. Initially, I assumed that meant that I would be here until the end of the ultimate season - the last weekend in October. However, I now am starting to realize that I am pretty much gearing up to be here just until August (Worlds in Vancouver). For the last few weeks, every time I think about my future, I think of it in terms of being in San Fran until August and then moving on (the big scary part is that I really have no idea where i am moving on to).
I have been telling people that I want to live in Croatia or the Netherlands or possibly Hawaii. I can actually see myself enjoying all of these places. Yet, I get filled with anxiety when I think about trying to move to any of them. It isn't that I don't want to go to any of them, or even that I think I wouldn't like it when I get there. It is just that nothing has fallen in my lap and made me think, "wow - this is going to be easy!" For someone who would characterize herself as a "worker," I think I am pretty much extremely lucky almost all of the time - I have never had to really work to get a job, to get on an ultimate team, to make friends, to find a place to live. Looking back at me a year and a half ago, I wonder where I got the courage to just come out to San Francisco without friends, job, or a place to live. It is one of the things that I am most proud of doing in my life because I can look back and say, "wow - I really did that without having much of a safety net" (except for the obvious one of knowing that I could turn around and run home to my parents, my friends in Atlanta, or any number of places if things didn't work out). Doing it again (even though I would be going to places where I would already have friends) seems difficult - I would potentially be learning a new language, trying to fill out tons of paperwork so that I would be legal, and I have no idea how to get a job in a different country. So the big question that I am asking myself now is why I want to do this. Why have I gotten it into my head that living in a different culture is the thing that I really want to be doing right now? What do I think I can gain from living there? Will it really be "better" than my life in the states? Was moving to San Fran better than Atlanta? Was Atlanta better than Chattanooga? Did I grow in ways that I wouldn't have if I had stayed in a place longer? Why can't I be like my best friend Jillian that I grew up with who is content living in Chattanooga with her husband, staying at home with her adorable baby, and living in a community of friends who are all probably going to be in Chattanooga for a long time (and gradually go old together)? yes - all of these questions and a million more keep swirling around in my head in a really annoying way right now.

I wrote my new friend Kate Schwarz yesterday - lamenting that I wasn't in Amsterdam with her, telling her I felt displaced, whining about my life (and yes - i realize i don't really have any right to do that). She reminded me that if I lived in Amsterdam, it probably wouldn't have all the same glory that it did while I was just there on vacation and that places are really about the people. Then she reminded me that this is the hard part since people are constantly coming and going from our lives. It was a great reminder, and it is probably part of the reason that i have begun to ask myself the one million questions about why I am so anxious to get up and take off again. Answers- I have none yet. Today I am feeling like I just want to be Jillian - safe, with a planned future, and a cute family.

Ok - not really quite that dramatic. Honestly - can anyone REALLY see me with a kid? It doesn't seem quite right somehow. Or even back in Chattanooga? Or even in one place more than a year or two?
Interestingly, do I keep moving because I think I have created this persona for myself where I expect that people expect that I will be moving a lot, so I do it? (does this make sense???) Hmmm...I like being carefree Kate who goes with whatever happens, but I don't think I have made any of my major life decisions based on an idea of what I think other people think of me. Mostly I have based my major life decisions around ultimate (or at least it has always been one of the major factors when deciding where to live). This is another strange strange part of my current indecision - ultimate doesn't really seem to weigh in much at all. If I am really serious about Amsterdam, Primavera Olandese is definitely a plus, but I wouldn't be moving there because of them. And Hawaii and Croatia really don't have any ultimate to speak of - at least no womens team. So whoa - I am changing. Ultimate is still a love and passion, but now I am starting to think about what ELSE I want in life.
The things that Amsterdam and Zagreb (my top 2 cities that I want to live in right now) have in common is that a.they are both cities where I could get a bike and bike around everywhere (whoo whoo for no car or waiting for public transport) and b. they both have communities where i felt like I would connect with people really well and enjoy my circle of friends. I LOVED that Alex and Banana would just stop by Vjeran's house in Zagreb and know that they would be welcome. I LOVE that Tom and I did the same thing to Michael, Becca, and Kate while in Amsterdam. While I have many good friends in the Bay area, we all live far away from each other and have our own lives going on in such ways that I feel like I will never have that here. But if that is all I want, why not do it some place like Chattanooga, where I know I could have that? Or maybe even Austin, where there are a lot of people that I love hanging out with and would like to be closer to?

As I get older community has become more important in my list of things that I want in a place where I live. This means that I think in the next 5 years or so, I am going to really want to stay in one place for a while. But somehow I don't really think that I am there yet. To be totally honest, I am not completely willing to invest in people and a community in the way that I would like to if I know I am going to be somewhere for a very long time (this means this 3-5 years in my world). I love the thrill of moving somewhere new, figuring my way around, creating a new routine for myself, and being able to share/not share whatever parts of myself I feel like. though inevitably, no matter where I have been, I always realize at some point that I am basically the exact same person in a different situation - despite trying to be a "new" version of myself. I still feel like I am so young and want to be experiencing new things in new places. I think that is a big part of wanting to actually live somewhere new. That, and I really want to learn a foreign language. It also seems like such a challenge for me - just like San Fran, I actually have to leave a safe place and really work to figure out how to make living in another country a feasible option. I have no idea what I am going to do in the next 6 months. This morning, while talking to Jen, that really freaked me out. Now, after writing this blog for the last little while, and intermittently chatting with several friends and drinking a 4th cup of coffee, I feel more like I did a few weeks ago - calmer, like it is ok that I don't have a plan. I know it will work itself out. And i know that one of my biggest challenges in the coming weeks is to actually see how proactive I am about my life. I think that in itself will be pretty telling about what I want to be doing with my time the next couple of years.