Whats next?

I am just about to reach the 4 month mark of unemployment. It is strange - I don't know that I really thought I would last this long when I initially quit my job and headed out to see some of the world.
For the first several months I think I spent a lot of time reflecting about the internal me - who I have become, if that is someone i like, what i value, what i want to value, etc. Now, despite coming up with very few concrete things in the internal department (i am not sure we ever do), i have started to focus a lot more of my energy on what I want externally - a job, a place to live, a community (obviously, the things that i internally value will affect what i want from my environment, but i am focusing on this instead of focusing on confusing questions like, "who am i?" that have no real concrete answer).
For the last several years, I have felt so displaced. Of course this is 100% my fault. If I have not been in the process of traveling, moving, or planning a move, I have been at the very least dreaming about moving or traveling. So now it is incredibly bizarre that what I have decided I want most right now is a little stability in my life. Or maybe a lot of stability. I want to be in a place where I feel like i am home and where I feel like the people around me aren't going to be constantly rotating out. I do realize that people constantly come and go from wherever they are, but I would like to find a place that isn't quite as transitional as San Fran (or maybe even Seattle where I have also been thinking about moving the last few months). I basically shortlisted it down to Chattanooga, Atlanta, and Austin. Chattanooga and Atlanta because they are familiar and wonderful. Austin because I think it might be my ideal in a lot of ways.
I have been in Chattanooga for the last week (minus a short weekend trip up to Boston - whoo whoo Team USA!). In a lot of ways, I put a ridiculous amount of pressure on myself before I came on this trip. I basically decided that this trip would be the deciding factor about whether or not I want to be in Chattanooga the next several years. There are lots of things that make me terrified to even write that out - "be in chattanooga the next several years." A. Saying I am going to be in a place for several years is overwhelming for me, even though that is what I think I want right now. When I say "several years" I really do think that I would probably make myself commit to not even think about moving for a minimum of 2 years. B. It is Chattanooga. I LOVE this city. i love the people. the size. the weather. But it is still where I grew up. And, I have been so scared for so long that I would end up being a little southern girl who grows up, gets married, pumps out a few babies, and never experiences the world. And, even though I have experienced SOME of the world, I am not at a place where I want to be that girl. I somehow have to get it out of my head that if i came back here, i would end up being "stuck" forever and that I would end up as that stereotype. And I would also have to convince myself that if i did end up falling into that mold, that it would ultimately be because I end up making choices to do that on my own terms and that I would make those choices because the future kate would want those things.
In Chattanooga, I would work for my dad. In some ways, it would be awesome. It is a really flexible job where I would not have to be going into an office at any set time. i would also get to write and report - something that i have always wanted to do. I would get to do some travel writing, which would be pretty amazing. I would get to actually figure out if I even like writing. in other ways, it would be hard to work for my dad. i think i would feel like there is extra pressure for me to learn the family business so that i could hopefully take it over one day years down the road. this, of course, makes me immediately want to stay far away from the job (turns out that long term commitment makes me nervous. who knew?). i am also not sure how it would be working for my dad - i think i am scared i would be horrible at the job, and he wouldn't have the heart to tell me. or i would take for granted that he is my dad and not work as hard s i would at other jobs. the other fear is that i have always been a bit afraid to actually find a job that i love (who knows why? maybe bc then i would want to stick with it? or maybe i am scared that i would start the job, love it, and then not excel at it. also turns out that i don't love being bad at things...). it is possible that i might love this job, so one side of me definitely is telling me it's a bad idea to think about taking it (yes - this doesn't make sense when i say it aloud, but that is why this is just a rambling blog that allows me to get thoughts down on paper and then ask for feedback from everyone, since everyone's opinion does actually matter in my world).
i think austin is a total unknown for me, which is part of what is appealing about it. it is hot there. it has a good music scene. and i love the few people i know from austin. that is basically all i know about it. I also THINK i could get a job potentially working for a green energy company which would be pretty cool. i think i would like the size of the city. there is a good womens team there that i think i would like to get involved with. my favorite person to be on an ultimate field with lives there. the big draw about austin is that there are a lot more question marks about it. i sortof like question marks and options. in chattanooga, i know what i would be getting myself into in a lot of ways. in austin, i wouldn't really know how my life would look day-to-day. that is still appealing to me in some ways, though less appealing than it used to be. it is nice to know that i know a lot of people there so i wouldn't have to start over in the way i had to in sf. but i don't have a lot of real friends there, and it would take me a long time to build a "community" there (though, in some ways, that would be true in chattanooga too - i have some people i have known a long time, but i wouldn't call them close!)

aarrrggg - lots of questions! and only a few more months to make a decision. i am starting to think the best thing to do is just convince jen smith to move back to chatty. then my decision would be easy. jen - wanna help me?