Conversation between Matt (my coach) and me (it seems like it should be I in this situation. Leventhal?) tonight that went something like this:
Me: Matty - why am I finally starting to feel like now that I have made the decision to leave because I want a community of people around me, I realize that I am actually finally starting to build one here?
Matt: Because once you make a decision, you finally get to stop worrying about it, things settle, and you see the situation for what it really is. (paraphrase - i think he said it much more eloquently).
I went upstairs tonight in Matty's house with Casey to have a short private conversation, venting for a minute about my inability to fill my days with worthwhile meaningful things (I am coming more and more to realize that I like being busy and like having meaningful things going on in my life!). Within about 5 minutes, Jody, Alex, and Enessa had all come upstairs. The 5 of us sat in the dark laughing, being ridiculous, and genuinely enjoying each other. Once we walked back downstairs I realized that my bad mood had dissipated without needing to talk it out or actually figure out what was bothering me specifically. Is that what community is?
Aaarggghh!!!! I thought that I had figured out this brilliant plan that was going to excite me and where I felt like I was going. Now I feel conflicted and that, once again, I will be leaving a place just when I am actually starting to find how I fit in.
I am sick of this indecision and feeling unsettled.
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4 comments:
Grrr! I hate that! It always happens to me too and it's so frustrating. I thing Matty's right. Once you make a decision to make a change, you can more easily step back from your current situation and enjoy yourself more. I'd just trust yourself. Something urged you to make that move across the country, as scary as that decision may be. And it's a decision that you really thought about.
I'm not gonna lie...leaving the bay area sucks at first. But the awesome thing is that it's really, really easy to visit, even from the east coast. I still think your plan is brilliant.
I think your plan to try the new job is great. You can always visit or go back later. Trying new things works for you so go for it.
story of my life kate!
but i do agree w/ matty, once you make a decision you can settle down a bit and start preparing for it. kinda like what i'm doing w/ my move to LA right now....
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