Being Grownup

Tonight I was on the phone with a friend griping about a mutual friend and his recently-pessimistic outlook on life. She started laughing mid-gripe and said, "whoa - since when did you become the grownup that thinks like this?"

I can't really remember if i have blogged about this before, but the conversation with my friend reminded me that I have wanted to blog about this for a few weeks. I think that I probably have, since it seems to be on my mind a bunch the last few months, but it continues to be a question that bothers me: What does it mean to be grownup?

Sometimes I wonder if it is reaching points where we have fewer options in life that makes us seem more grownup. I often feel insanely crazy and all over the map because I always have this feeling that I can do anything at this point in my life. I can go live anywhere in the world. I can go back to school and get a degree in anything. I can decide to be single. I can decide to date someone. I have a lot of options for who to date (yep - I just called myself pretty). I can one day decide to have kids. I can decide not to. It doesn't seem like I can actually be a grownup when I don't have a clue which of these things I want to invest in.

Where I am from, being grownup is often associated (usually unconsciously) with marriage and children. I often compare myself with my friend Jill that I grew up with (I do know that I have done that on this blog), and I wonder if she is "more grownup" than I am because she has a husband and a baby. She is definitely more settled, and I wonder if that makes her more grownup. For someone like Jill, options are more limited. She knows who she is going to be with for the rest of her life (barring some major life event). She knows she is a mother and will be one the rest of her life. Because she has invested in these things, I think she is less likely to want to go back to school or to move someplace around the world (I could be wrong about this, but I don't think so). She's sortof decided what she is pouring her energy into. So is that what makes someone grownup? Making the decision to really invest yourself in something or someone? And IS Jill actually more grownup than I am?

Sometimes I wonder if I need to just take a good hard look at my life and realize that i am a grownup. Until the last 4 months, I have held a job consistently for the last 10 years. I always pay my bills on time. I take care of myself - financially and emotionally (still obvi working on that one) as well as providing myself with food, lodging, etc.

I was discussing this with my grandmother recently, and I used all of these arguments to prove to her (and probably to myself) that I am actually a grownup. She listened to me as I listed all of these reasons. Then she reproachfully said, "But Katie - all of that is about you. You don't really grow up until it is also about other people." I had absolutely no answer for her, but it did make me think.

A large part of the reason that I have decided to go back to the South (and in particular to Chattanooga, which is where I am more than likely going to end up) is that it is a place that I want to invest in. I am only just now starting to really appreciate my parents (even though they can, at times, still drive me crazy) and recognize how important it is to me to get to know them and to let them get to know me as a grownup (hahaha - I wrote that without even thinking about it). Even though I can never count on people being around forever, I do feel like the community in Chattanooga is a place where I could belong and feel comfortable in, while getting to actually know people whom I feel like will still be around in 5-10 years. Chattanooga itself is a town that I really love and the way of life is something that I can embrace. For the last month I have been thinking more and more about how I want to be in my own place and be "settled" in one location for a while. In reality, I want to know if my grandmother is right. I want to know if I stop for long enough to actually get to know people in a community where I feel safe/comfortable/loved, that I will feel like a grownup.

At some point, I probably will need to write a long post about why I need to feel like a grownup. I do have to admit that part of me wants to argue and defend myself [I am not exactly sure who I would argue against - maybe my friend who laughed at me tonight? (though in her defense she did later call and apologize)] and say that really I am grownup already and have experienced 1000 things that people who limit their options earlier don't get to experience. And it makes me think that maybe I am totally wrong about thinking that I need to limit my options, or that I will be more mature and grownup when I do that. Maybe what I am looking for is really not the title of grownup. It is just to be mature. But whatever the word is that I use, it isn't a tangible thing that is easily recognizable. Perhaps I am waiting to magically transform into a new, amazing version of me who appreciates myself for who I am, who can give up on the idea that everyone should like me, who can believe in herself enough to go for the things she wants, who can admit to herself what she really wants, and, when I become that version of me, I can stop thinking about myself and totally love the people in my life in really unselfish ways while working like crazy at a job I love. Maybe I have my priorities wrong, and I can only get to be that better version of me when instead I stop thinking so much about how to be that version of me and go for the loving people for real and really diving into a job that I could potentially love (which means taking the risk to try a job I could love) first. I THINK that is what I am shooting for when I move home.
Ok - lots of thoughts that I have potentially already written out before.
Time for bed.

Kate