the S word

so since i wrote my post about a cup of tea, i have been seriously thinking about my inability to sit back and relax. it is a sunday afternoon. i got 9 hours of sleep, made yummy pancakes for breakfast, studied for about an hour, started thinking about summer vaca plans, and did a lot of dishes twice. i really believe these are the things i want to be doing on a lazy weekend day.
yet, i am feeling slightly restless and antsy because of the nagging sensation that i should be doing more.
should - the big "s" word. my friend cliff, who is a lovely one-of-a-kind man, was the one person who first told me (and actually, he's the only one who has ever told me) to take the word "should" out of my vocabulary. when he said it the first time, i sortof laughed it off. when he said it the 3rd time, i got slightly annoyed and started thinking, "seriously - just because you are a hippy doesn't mean i want to be one." but despite my initial laughing it off and my second reaction of annoyance, his challenge to take the word out of my vocabulary has really stayed with me.
what should i be doing today? what am i going to think about today as i am falling asleep tonight and reviewing the day? will i say i "should"have done more? i think maybe i think this every night before i fall asleep. even though i have no idea what the more looks like, there is something in me telling me that i should keep going, should get more in, should do so many things. But i have no idea really where this voice comes from. and i have no idea how to satisfy this voice.
ironically, even when this voice tells me i should slow down, it is a voice that is saying, "you'll really be accomplishing and be more satisfied if you slow down."
but be more satisfied? has that voice ever actually been satisfied? have i ever thought, "yep - i did everything today i should have done, and now i feel good about myself." the should implies that, once i do the task i will feel fulfilled or have a sense of accomplishment. but it never really happens that way.
right now, as i write this blog post, it is taking all of my willpower not to listen to the editor in me that is yelling, "kate - this is not well written. before you post it, you should go back, clean it up, reorganize some paragraphs, and make it overall more presentable." the part of me that is writing this wants to know why i "should"?

how do i take should out of my vocabulary? if i do, what word comes instead? "i will clean up this blog because i will be ashamed of its inorganization if i don't" is so much more active than "i should." but then, of course the "i will" calls me to action. and, really, do i care that much if it is clean? i want to spend time doing other things instead (literally just had to change the "should" to "want" in that one). i want to go beat erik at cribbage. i want to go drink tea. so i will go do those things now. and leave a poorly written blog about a word that i think, just maybe, i really do actually need to get rid of.