Brilliant thoughts to end the weekend

So, maybe not brilliant thoughts. But thoughts. I mean - writing when exhausted and emotional is always a brilliant idea, yes? I have been thinking a lot more lately about longterm romantic relationships than I have thought about them in a long time, mostly because several people in my life have recently either broken up with their significant other, been dumped, or are stuck in a really hard icky place with their significant other. and every time i see it happen, and i watch my friends cry and deal with all of the crap that comes with a relationship, i think, "thank GOODNESS i am not in one of those!" my memories of those often just involve a lot of tears, self doubt, and vulnerability.
But over the weekend i was talking to a friend of mine, and she said, "i am not as strong as you. i really need to be with someone else. i couldn't make it on my own." A.this isn't really true at all. she would be fine on her own. but b.it made me stop and wonder if i am really all that strong. i have spent the last 2 years proving to myself that i don't really need any one particular person in my life. while i have a lot of great relationships, i make sure to not depend TOO much on any one person (Jen might slightly disagree with this!). by nature, i think i am a fairly dependent person. i like feeling safe, nurtured, and like someone has my back. but i have created a persona for myself that is fairly independent. mostly to convince myself, i think, that i am this.
so does that make me strong? am i stronger than my friend because i have pushed through and been independent and because i know i can take care of myself? or is she really the strong one? because she knows what she needs and isn't scared to ask for it?
being in relationship means being vulnerable and opening yourself up to hurt. i watch my friends get involved in relationships - sometimes numerous times, and i wonder why they keep doing it. i was talking to a friend a few weeks ago who is in a really tough spot where he has given up a lot more to be with his girlfriend than she has, and she seems to not really care that much that he has given up quite a bit to be with her. when he told me that he was going to move to be with her, i remember thinking, "thank goodness i have decided i will never move for a man again!!!!!" and then i thought - maybe he has it right and i am the one messed up in the head. he met someone that he really connects with, enjoys being around, and she feels (in theory at least) the same about him. wouldn't it be much worse for him if he gets farther down the road and thinks, "wow - i didn't even try to be with that woman who i genuinely loved and who loved me!" because how many times do we meet people that we really connect with, are attracted to, and they feel the same about us? i don't actually think it happens that often. so maybe i have it all wrong, in my (recently) unromantic, independent state. and he should be there, even though it is difficult right now, fighting for this connection with this other person, and this chance to really be known by this other person (which, i don't really even know exactly what that means, but i feel like that is what people are looking for in relationships...)
and even my friends that continually get hurt. at least they are willing to keep believing that they will find someone that they "fit" with who will make them feel good about themselves and who they can do the same for. so they keep trying on different people. another friend of mine got married recently. when talking about her (now husband), she said, "you know - we both got to this point very differently. he waited and watched and dated very little but was always on the lookout for love. Me, i tried on lots of different men and sampled a lot of different types of man before i found the one that fit me correctly." so maybe there is no right way to do this. maybe you just find your way - you love and are vulnerable when you are ready. for some, that means being open to doing it all the time and open to taking risks to be with someone. for others, it means being alone for a long time, proving that you can be alone, and then eventually realizing all over again that it is ok to let people back in at the right times.
geez - this is poorly written and sappy. that is what is wonderful about being emotional and exhausted. you get to be a little sappy. and rambly.
off to bed.