Circles

Tonight, talking to my very wise and lovely friend Brynne, she asked me to picture myself at 60, to think about all the time I have between now and then, and to stop trying to think that I have to do everything in this moment. Or that I am actually cutting off all of my options if I choose one way or another at this point.
When I turned 24, I remember that I went through a bit of a crisis. I remember thinking that my whole life, I had believed I would be well on my way to marriage, if not already married, by the time I turned 24. This revelation made me angry for days because a. I wasn't somewhere I thought I would have been and b. I had absolutely NO idea until I turned 24 that I had secretly always believed that. It is probably one of the many reasons that I decided to travel, take time off, and get to know myself more intimately. What other big things did I expect out of life that I wasn't aware of?
The last 6 (is it getting closer to 7 now that I have had no real commitments to anything other than Fury???!!!) months have been awesome for so many reasons. But, as I am saying to Lori now via chat, it is time to move forward with my life. I feel like I am stuck going around in circles in a narcissistic way where I have stagnated learning about myself. This has never happened before, but I am actually getting tired of listening to myself talk about myself. My friends have been AMAZING at listening to me have the same conversations over and over, but seriously - you can only listen to someone have the SAME conversation so many times.
It hit me recently that I am 25. I was surprised actually at how little this birthday affected me. But, I think that I do feel the sense of urgency that Brynne was encouraging me not to feel. For me, I am not sure it is as much about squeezing it all in as it is about "If I stop long enough, I might realize I like the stop more the moving around!" Eeek (my new favorite AWFUL word that I should be conscientiously taking back out of my vocabulary). What if I get boring? That seems really awful.
I am sortof laughing as I write, "What if I get boring?" because I am thinking, "actually - right now I am boring!" All my possibilities are exciting. But I am boring. Maybe this is my big problem now - I have finally started to want to move forward, but I am more excited about the prospect of each situation than what each situation would actually be. I am more excited to dream about life than to actually be living it. Though, I feel that I have been living life in a really full, unsustainable way for a while now. I am just worried that a sustainable lifestyle might end up being work. Hmmm...work - still haven't figured out how I feel about that whole thing.

So now my 3 options that I am seriously considering (besides just saying "ah - I am just going to be ski bum all winter!") is to stay in the Bay Area, move back to Chattanooga/Atlanta, or move to the Netherlands. These are all sortof VERY dramatically different things. I am going to take a cue from lori's blog and write pros/cons of each.

Bay Area:
Pros:
1. Fury - The team is unlike any other team I have ever played on. It honestly is like its own little family with all the same sorts of wonderfulnesses and annoyances that go along with a family. I feel like I have finally started to carve a place for myself in that family that I really like.
2. Fury - I wrote Fury twice because there is also the whole thing about Fury being the best in the world and hopefully defending our national title. Separate from what the team does for me emotionally, I am getting a chance to learn from some of the best brains in ultimate and becoming a much better, more well-rounded player because of it. And, I have based so many decisions on ultimate the last 5 years, why would I not base another one on it?
3. I am finally feeling comfortable in the Bay Area. I like that I can get around, have a lot of different friends, have a few close friends. I like the size of it, the happenings in the area, the closeness to the beach, mountains, camping etc (not that I actually go enjoy these things as much as I should).
4. Money - Even though the cost of living here is incredibly higher than other places, I could make more money here, save, and then maybe be able to actually do something with that in a few years (South Africa. World Cup. 2010).
5. I can get around without a car.

Cons:
1. No job - Even though in theory, I can make more money here, I technically have no job and no job prospects.
2. Weather - Even though it's always mild, it is RARELY hot. And I miss heat. A lot. And I hate fog.
3. Spread out community - Although I have a lot of friends here, we all live far from each other. Unless I move to the Arlie/Mattie, Alicia, Enessa neighborhood, there is no really great place for me to move where I am close to a lot of friends.
4. Transitional - There is always the feeling here that people could leave anytime. Though this is true no matter where you live (especially for people in their 20s), I think it is especially true here. People rarely settle here. It's hard to think about building a community here if I think a lot of people will move in the next few years.
5. Pretentious Area - I know it seems absurd to write, but I go back to the South sometimes and realize how pretentious I have become. I really am from a small town in the south and grew up not wealthy, and I love that about me. But I have become accustomed to a richer lifestyle than what I grew up with. I am becoming a food snob and a "green" snob (ok - not that far yet, but I think I have bought into the bay area feeling of "i'm more green than you are!"). I am not always positive I love who I have become here.

Chattanooga/Atlanta

Pros:
1. It is comfortable - I love the South. I love knowing that it is where I am from.
2. People - My parents are there. There are people there I have known a very long time. Some of my closest friends in the world are there and are likely to be there for a while.
3. Ozone - My first ultimate love. Though it has changed a lot since i have been gone (even in 2 years), it is still a team that i will always really love. I would love to play with them again.
4. Job - I definitely have a job in Chattanooga as a writer. That right there is an amazing pro. I would get to see if I actually want to be a writer. I would get hands on experience in a way that I would never get anywhere else. OR I could go to Atlanta and potentially get a job there, hopefully working with a lot of friends.
5. HOT WEATHER!!!

Cons:
1. Going backwards - I have been there before. I know what life there is like. I left it for a lot of reasons.
2. Money/Career - Even though I don't really have any clue what I want to do, I would probably be making very little money there. That would be hard to do.
3. Doing it to please my parents and not because it is really where I want to be.
4. Boredom - Chattanooga is so much smaller. Would I feel like there are things to do there?
5. Fear of getting stuck - would I ever leave? Would I be incapable of leaving?

The Netherlands:
Pros:
1. It's Europe. It has been my dream since I first watched Sabrina when I was 10 years old to live in Europe.
2. Community - I love the community of ultimate players there. I feel so much more comfortable with some of them than I do with my friends in the Bay who I have known for several years now.
3. Lifestyle - I love that everyone bikes around everywhere (and there are no hills). That I don't have to have a car. That my friends there regularly cook for each other.
4. It's unknown - I can't really have any idea of what my life would look like.
5. It would be for a year or less - I wouldn't feel like I am getting to a place where i am going to be stuck (mostly because I won't be allowed legally to be there longer than a year!)
6. Au Pairing - I would be invited into someone else's family, which could be amazing for me right now as I crave stability.

Cons:
1. Weather- It is never sunny there. BIG deal to me!
2. Community - I am not sure there is any way that the Dutch ultimate community could live up to the expectations that I have of them. I imagine, from the few times that I have hung out with them, that I would instantly be invited in and feel like I have known them all for 15 years. However, that isn't really realistic. It might be fairly heartbreaking for me to get there and realize that, in day to day life, they all already HAVE lives and might not instantly go out of their way to incorporate me into those lives.
3. Unknown - It's always scary. I don't know really at all what it is like to live as an American abroad. It could be incredibly tough, and I could be miserable.
4. Au Pairing - I could be invited into someone's family that I totally don't click with. They could expect an absurd amount from me, and I could end up feeling really trapped and unhappy.


On tv, after people write out a list of pros and cons, they instantly say, "Aha! THIS is the one I want." I have no idea. So much for this exercise...