Gatwick Airport

I'm in London right now, sitting in Gatwick airport, feeling totally overwhelmed. It's funny that, even though I travel all the time, I always forget how much I hate arriving somewhere. I feel discombobulated, confused, and the only thing I can think about doing is hiding away and showering.

I was planning on jumping online for just a moment, gathering myself, and then taking off to the wide world of London, but, for some reason, the computer's clock froze so I am getting free internet right now. Since I would probably end up just finding an internet cafe somewhere in London, closer to where I am meeting Steve at 2, I decided to just hang out here a while longer instead of going out into the total grossness that is London today (it seriously is everything you imagine England to be - cold and wet).

All week I have been questioning my decision to come to London - it was very impulsive and a little over the top, even for me (almost always, with the exception of the Hawaii-extension, I actually do think more about the decisions I make, even if they seem last minute and impulsive). In a lot of ways, this wasn't the "smartest" move I could make. Yet, now that I am here I am getting more and more excited. Part of me is totally nervous - I haven't played with this team in 4 months, and some of them I have never played with.

I also am a little nervous about seeing people outside of the context that I know them in. I will see Steve and Abi today (Abi for the first time in 5 years) in Steve's home here in London. For some reason that is much more intimidating to me than seeing them at L'Abri or even meeting Steve in the south of France in a place that neither of us have been before. I'll also see the Dutch guys in a setting different than the mountains of Montana or the cliffs of hawaii. It is bizarre how I can be so sure of myself in most social situations, but then occassionally get to moments like this when I start to freak a bit in my head, question my own expectations, and wonder if i am about to experience an incredibly awkward disappointing week. More than anything, this probably has to do with about 3 hours of sleep per night for the last 3 nights. That's healthy, right? i can't believe that it is only 9:30 in the morning right now and that I somehow will need to make it all day without falling asleep. My brilliant plan to not sleep in the day leading up to my flight so that I would sleep through my flight ended up sortof disasterous. There were too many free movies, and my seat mate was too hilarious.

casey and i have been talking about expectations a lot lately. i can't remember exactly what her new motto is, but it is something like, "excitement about everything. expectations about nothing!" i think i really like that. expectations can be so frustrating because they often depend on others behaving in a way that i imagine they will behave instead of as they really are. but i think at times that i focus on not having expectations (or, worse yet, trying to have slightly negative expectations, just so i won't be disappointed), and then i miss out on the whole pre-experience that can, at times, be as fun as the experience itself. embracing the excitement while recognizing that a situation is VERY likely to go differently than i expect seems like a healthy way to think about life. i am not sure exactly what it means in the day-to-day. how do you get really excited about something while not imagining how it will go in your head? i think it has a lot to do with not being attached to outcomes. something i definitely need to work on.

this trip is one time when i do feel like i am excited, but i don't have any idea about what an "outcome" will be. it really is a mystery how this week will go - hopefully amazingly well. i am really thrilled that i get to hang out with steve again and get to see abi (especially since she is recently engaged and i know nothing of her fiancee). then to go straight from getting to hang out with them to playing ultimate with a bunch of women that i REALLY liked hanging out with seems pretty awesome. and all of my favorite dutchies are going to be here.

I am getting a bit worried that this trip is the last of my crazy trips for 2008. I have continuously put off making a decision about the future because, every time I think "aha! THIS is what i will do!" i can't really sit comfortably with that decision. I keep hoping that while on this trip I am going to have some amazing epiphany. Or feel more secure in a decision I make. I have really not minded the limbo nearly as much the last few weeks. It's amusing to watch people's faces as they try to comprehend my life. "wait - you don't live ANYWHERE??!!!! and you have no idea where you are going t obe???!!!" I really do believe that at the right moment, I will know when it is time to stop living day to day. I am getting more and more sick of having to ask people if i can crash at their place or if i can leave stuff under their spare bed (thank you kylie and arlie and mattie forever and ever!). and i think, when i am ready, i will wake up and know that it is time for me to get busy looking for a job and a place to live. until then, i really want to enjoy where i am.

right now i get the chance to be in london, hanging out with some DEAR people in my life. it's pretty freaking amazing when i think about it.