Finally Blogging

So I have 2 blog entries that are sitting in my drafts pile, halfway done. But I decided I would start and finish a fresh one tonight.

My friend Joost and I have affectionate nicknames for each other. He calls me fatty. I call him big whiney baby. Tonight, I feel like his nickname could probably be more accurately applied to me. I think that I have traveled too much lately, and my head is turned too far around.
I have until the end of my ultimate season to really make a decision about where I want to be for the next while (and then work to get a job in whatever place that is). I figured out this week that it has been over 3 months since I was in the same place for more than 3 weeks. Which, as one would imagine, makes it harder for me to figure out where I want to be. I have been on so many highs - going on vacation to lots of fun, exotic places - that aren't really even followed by lows - I come back and forth so often, that it is like a new adventure every time I show up back here in San Fran, my homebase, which is where people typically feel the post-vacation low.
But somehow, after coming back from London, I have all the post-vacation blues hitting me at once, coupled with anxiety about not knowing where I want to settle for a while. This turns me into one gigantic big whiney baby. I think someone probably needs to just hit me in the face, tell me to snap out of it, and remind me that I am constantly reevaluating my life, and this is no different than any other period, that I am not going to find THE answer for the rest of my life in the next 6 weeks.
This summer, I finally lost a lot of anxiety about what I was going to do post-worlds when I decided to just enjoy where I was and enjoy getting to be unemployed and hanging out in beautiful Berkeley. I am not sure if I need to tell myself that all over again, or if it is actually time to have a little urgency in my life and actually start planning what I want to happen. I feel like ever since I have moved out here, things have sortof magically fallen into my lap - my living situations, my job, my housesitting gig, my team. So now I have reached a point where lots of things are tugging at me, but nothing has easily fallen into my lap that makes me say, "aha! this is obviously the next step that I should take." I think that might mean that I actually have to take the step to really soul search and figure out where I want to be. Then, instead of just waiting for whatever door to open, I think I might have to actually go for something and work hard to get it. That means there is potential to fail - I'll decide I really want to live in a city, but I won't be able to get a job there. Or I'll decide to move somewhere only to figure out that i am very unhappy there. That's fairly terrifying for me.
I have always thought of myself as a worker. I started working at 15 and have hated taking handouts from people ever since. I feel like when I succeed in ultimate, it isn't because I am a particularly great athlete or have great skills. It is because i just keep working. The same with all of my jobs - my bosses almost always love me because they know that i am working at what i do. Yet, I feel like I have gotten lazy in so many ways since moving out here. I expect things to come to me easily, so I don't push myself to be better or to get somewhere else that would potentially be more satisfying to me. I think even in ultimate that i have become a much lazier player in a lot of ways, which means it isn't as much fun for me. I don't get the same personal satisfaction that I used to when I played. I noticed it first because of my job search (or rather my lack of a job search).
Since I can't seem to make up my mind lately about where I want to be or what I want to do, I think all i can do is go back to the part of me that I really liked - the part of me that is a worker. I want to actually apply myself and start seriously sending legitimate resumes to jobs that sound interesting. I want to get back to being a better ultimate player by working all the time on the field, even when I could get away with not. I want to research the places I am interested in living and figure out if I can live in those places.
Ok - those are now my written resolutions.

I am exhausted. Going to bed. Ready to start work early tomorrow morning. Yuck.