A Jen Smith Perspective-less world

Hmmm...

So, I am really loving what I am doing with my life right now. The chance to get away, to walk around aimlessly, to decide to spend hours on the internet if i feel like it, to decide to not check email for 3 days if i feel like it, to go explore run down hotels, to talk to 15 year old boys for hours about the scooter they just stole and wrecked. I love all of it.
Loneliness has been a factor that has influenced me in a way I didn't necessarily think it would. I pictured being all myself and just craving people. Generally, when I feel lonely, this is what I want - to be around people, discussing things, listening to them, making jokes, etc. So, I figured, since my superpower in life is making friends with people in 5 minutes or less, I would be fine on this trip. I imagined sitting in my hostel, realizing I want to interact with people, and going out and making some friends. In fact, I was actually worried that I would do this TOO much and end up missing out on a lot of what I want to get out of this trip - time alone with only Kate Wilson to try and figure out what Kate Wilson thinks about herself and the world around her. So far, I have really had no desire to do this. Mostly, I want to be walking around by myself. When I hear other English speakers, i generally turn around so that i don't end up getting into some sort of conversation with them. People that i don't know are not interesting to me right now.

Yet, I am craving the voices of Jen Smith and Angela Lin like mad. I don't really think that I have had many close close friends in my life that I felt terribly sad to be away from. There are MANY people that i hold dear and generally love to be around, but bc there are many people like this, i don't really feel sad when i leave one behind (bc there is another there that is dear to me in a completely different way that makes me happy). Yet, somehow, since I have lived in San Francisco, I have actually become close to 2 women, both in very unique ways, that makes me lonely while away from them. Ironically, even when I am in the states, they are both on the other side of the country. But now that i can't talk to them every day, i miss them and their perspectives on life in general and my life in particular.

Part of what I came here for was to get away from these 2 voices in particular. Because they influence me so much, i did want some time to think on my own. But now I am already ready to hear them again every day. I had an hour long conversation with 2 boys yesterday, and the one conversation gave me 10 new things to think about. Once they walked away, all i could think was how much more i get out of life when there are people around to converse with about the things going on in my head. So maybe my time away (which is valuable and which is probably very important to personal growth) is really only meant to teach me that i am not supposed to ever go far away enough that i can't reach those dearest to me with a quick telephone call? who knows?

So, a friend of mine at Paga was about to make a not- great decision one night while we were all hanging out. He and Jen don't really know each other, but she watched him ALMOST make it, and she came up to him and said, "Are you being your best self right now?" He looked at her, said, "no - i am not," turned around, and went to bed. Later he said to me, "when I was all out of good decisions last night, that amazing woman came along and made one for me!" All I could think was, "ummm...yeah - she does that for me at LEAST once a week."

I am not really sure why i wrote this post, except maybe i need to publicly admit that there are people in life worth hanging onto (though i generally work very hard to make sure that i can leave people at a moment's notice and have it be no big deal). maybe i am just feeling sentimental. but i do miss being home and having those voices.

and at the same time, i am glad that i have made some decisions without angela and jen in my ear. it is good to remind myself that i can do that too.

ok - on to write another post about what is actually going on here.

2 posts in one hour - a bit overwhelming!

kate